Night thoughts.

At the end of the day,You are the one left with yourself. You will see yourself, face to face.

Are you right with yourself? When all is said and done, when you put down all your armor, all your masks, all the roles you perform, Are you?

Are you right with yourself? With all the decisions you have or haven't made? Do you fall asleep with guilt and remorse? Or do you sleep with no regrets, with humble graciousness for all the goods and bads that Life has to offer?

When you are left by your self, Are you RIGHT with your Self?

How I Study as an Artist

It's funny the comments you get when people catch you drawing in public. Almost always, someone will say something along the lines of, "Wow! So much talent. I wish I could do that." It reminds me of a conversation I had with my pre-med college roommate that has stuck with me. She said, "People say I'm smart. Like it's natural, like I was born with it. But they don't realize how hard I work, how much time I spend studying. I just work _really_ hard." I think this gets lost often when people see artists doing their thang. There's a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes in order to cultivate and nurture our technical skills and creativity, a lot of observation, and discipline.

Here are some of the ways I've been studying:

• Mastercopies. Copying the sketches and drawings of artists I like and admire. This is an incredibly effective way to learn how the artist approached their piece, their technique, and how they problem-solved within their piece. I've been trying to do mastercopies everyday.

• Film studies. Freeze-framing animated and live action movies to break down the compositions, lighting, how the focal point is emphasized. Working with a black marker to break the frame down into simply blocked out shapes is a good way to learn about layout designs and compositions, too.

• Learning about LIFE things. I listen to Radiolab episodes while working, I've been reading about neuropsychology, learning about social-psychology theories, branching out into other worlds of interests lately. I've been reading a LOT, more than I ever have. Also, I've been trying to watch one classic film a week so I just have that cultural knowledge. I'm making more of an effort to go out and experience new places and things when possible. Creativity does not exist in a vacuum.

Mucha sketch studies. Super soft lines! Ahh!

Norm Schureman, former Dynamic Sketching instructor at Art Center. Copying this book has been golden.

Chris Sanders for anatomically correct stylized female figures. Very fun to draw.

50's type and design element studies. Copying out of some books to get the feel for the 50's designs for an assignment I'm working on.

Sleeping Beauty value breakdowns

Some books I've been reading at the moment.

My growing bookshelf! Doesn't include all my undergrad soc books that are all up North. This is just my more recent collection, which mostly developed in the last 6 months. Trying my best to get thru them!

The Self and Isolation

Some more quotes from Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse.

Siddhartha reflected deeply as he went on his way. He realized that he was no longer a youth; he was now a man. He realized that something had left him, like the old skin that a snake sheds. Something was no longer in him, something that had accompanied him right through his youth and was part of him; this was the desire to have teachers and to listen to their teachings....

Slowly the thinker went on his way and asked himself: What is it you wanted to learn from teachings and teachers, and although they taught you much, what was it they could not teach you? And he thought: It was the Self, the character and nature of which I wished to learn. I wanted to rid myself of the Self, to conquer it, but I could not conquer it, I could only deceive it, could only fly from it, could only hide from it. Truly, nothing in the world has occupied my thoughts as much as the Self, this riddle, that I live, that I am one and am separated and different from everybody else, that I am Siddhartha; and about nothing in the world do I know less than about myself, about Siddhartha....

The reason why I do not know anything about myself, the reason why Siddhartha has remained alien and unknown to myself is due to one thing, to one single thing — I was afraid of myself, I was fleeing from myself....

I will learn from myself, be my own pupil; I will learn from myself the secret of Siddhartha.

Then suddenly this also was clear to him: he, who was in fact like one who had awakened or was newly born, must begin his life completely afresh....

He shivered inwardly like a small animal, like a bird or a hare, when he realized how alone he was... He was no nobleman, belonging to any aristocracy, no artisan belonging to any guild and finding refuge in it, sharing its life and language... Even the most secluded hermit in the woods was not one and alone; he also belonged to a class of people. Govinda had become a monk and thousands of monks were his brothers, wore the same gown, shared his beliefs and spoke his language. But he, Siddhartha, where did he belong? Whose life would he share? Whose language would he speak?

At that moment, when he world around him melted away, when he stood alone like a star in the heavens, he was overwhelmed by  a feeling of icy despair, but he was more firmly himself than ever. That was the last shudder of his awakening, the last pains of birth. Immediately he moved on again and began to walk quickly and impatiently, no longer homewards, no longer to his father, no longer looking backwards.

A Greater Capacity for Feeling the Whole Gamut; Where Empathy Comes From.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”  ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross  

Thank you, Misono.

Feeling Grateful

For closest of friends For not-so-closest of friends

For people who know just what to do

For friends that listen

For friends that need me to listen

For friends that call outta the blue

For people who value my advice, input, and experience

For the mere physical presence of friends

For friends that just be with me

For empathetic and compassionate friends

For teachers that understand

For teachers that have my back

For teachers that believe in me, believe in my strength, and believe in my perseverance

For people that care

For people that know that trust needs to be earned

For having safe spaces

For having safety nets

For having friends I can lean on

For friends that help carry the weight when I'm too weak to do it myself

For believers that will say prayers for me, despite my being athiest

For laughs

For hugs

For love

For being stronger than I realize

For being more courageous than I know

For my inner fire that keeps me going

For everything that has brought me here

For being lucky, despite it all

For all the people that have come and gone in my life

I'm truly grateful for existence and for being given a chance to live. We're so much smaller and inconsequential in the greater scope of it all. And to have the chance to be here, to have the capacity to FEEL all the pains and joys that come with life, to see all the beauty that the universe has to offer, that is a blessing.